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When people dump their ‘stuff’ on you

them not you

 

Many of you have asked me how to deal with other’s people’s ‘stuff’ when it comes flying in your direction and you can’t seem to shake it off. This can apply to family, friends, close relationships, clients or business colleagues; basically wherever we are interacting with human beings!

This is a great question. It’s something I’ve had to deal with more often as I have become more ‘visible’ and judging by your responses to my recent facebook post (see below) many of you have been struggling with this too lately.

Oct 15th ENERGY WHISPERS on facebook

 

As a recovering people pleaser, the first time someone I cared about launched an attack projecting all their stuff onto me I was devastated. I took it all on trying to be loving and super responsible and it broke my heart.

This was before I developed any awareness of energy, the healing and awakening process.

I didn’t realise it was all their stuff and I was just the trigger.

As an empath and sensitive I took it all personally and was crushed.

 

Being awake is about being fully human, this means accepting the parts of us and others that are messy sometimes rather than trying to smother or sanitise them

 

In the early days of my spiritual emergence and training I made the rookie error of trying to be all compassionate and loving as someone bashed me over the head with their pain. I thought that was how to be spiritual but in fact all I was was a doormat!

It’s a common mistake that many of us make because we judge our basic human responses as somehow unspiritual.

There is also this great big lie that spiritually awake people should always be kind, compassionate, gentle and forgiving no matter how they are being treated, that they should somehow be above the usual human experience floating on a cloud somewhere.

That is total bulls*!t. Being awake is about being fully human, this means accepting the parts of us and others that are messy sometimes rather than trying to smother or sanitise them.

 

The more you boldly accept yourself just as you are, the more uncomfortable people who do NOT accept themselves will feel around you.

 

Over the years it has become a little easier to deal with projections from others but from time I time I am blindsided when someone I thought was self-aware gets utterly consumed by their process and loses the ability to see it clearly.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I have declared to the universe that I am no longer willing to be the scapegoat for other people’s processes.

However it seems that the more you awaken and your heart opens to give unconditional love, the more likely you are to be a trigger or a safe place for people to unleash their deepest and darkest wounds.

Also the more you boldly accept yourself just as you are, the more uncomfortable people who do NOT accept themselves will feel around you.

 

Get to know and love the bits of yourself you hide from the world.

 

lymm

 

I’ve realised that all we can do is stay with ourselves. By that I mean know yourself. Know yourself REALLY well. Journal, meditate, be honest with yourself about your own quirks, messy dark bits, hidden wounds, ego and vulnerability.

Get to know and love the bits of yourself you hide from the world (click to tweet this!)

 

Only when you know and accept yourself inside-out can you be sure that when the flack comes flying in your direction from someone else’s messy process it isn’t some part of YOU being reflected back at you. Because despite the trend for seeing EVERYTHING unpleasant someone does as a reflection of ourselves, sometimes it isn’t, sometimes it is simply THEIR stuff and THEIR responsibility.

Yes at the essence of life we are all ONE but we are here and now having this human experience and while we are here boundaries are a GOOD thing.

 

Their stuff, their feelings and their process is THEIR responsibility not yours.

 

So, when someone is acting out, playing up, bringing you down and throwing it all at you ‘just say NO’.

Their stuff, their feelings and their process is THEIR responsibility not yours.

If you are highly sensitive it is important to create this first line of protection so you can tell them to stop their behaviour and step away

If there is something in the situation for you to learn (and there often is) that is for YOU to figure out in your inner work and in your own time. It isn’t someone else’s job to come and dump their stuff on you and then blame you for it or try to point out what they think is wrong with you.

So I say make sure your first line boundaries are strong so you can avoid getting pulled into their story and instead respond clearly and strongly to the behaviour and see it clearly for what it is; someone in pain who is acting out their stuff.

 

Get some space and keep reminding yourself that this is their stuff. It isn’t any of your business.

  

JENN 15 JAN 2013

 

Try not to take it personally and where possible just walk away. If you live or work with them just breathe into what you are feeling, state that their behaviour is not OK with you but don’t react, don’t get sucked into their story.

Get some space and keep reminding yourself that this is their stuff. It isn’t any of your business.

If it helps just acknowledge to yourself that they’re are being an ass and walk away. This is a really helpful tip for heart-centred sensitives, Lightworkers and people-pleasers whose first response is to take it on, try to help, try to fix or to be hurt by it.

Sometimes it’s best not to give them a second of your energy and just walk away declaring them an ass (in your own mind). It’s a way of protecting your energy to give you space to get away and do your own inner work.

Of course I realise that some people do that automatically and have great boundaries but I’m not talking to them right now.

 

Check in with yourself to make sure you are taking full responsibility for your own stuff, emotions and process in your life.

 

Protect yourself FIRST, put some distance between you and the person involved and then breathe through what you are feeling.

Take time to do your own due diligence to see if you actually DID play a part in what is going on. Check in with yourself to make sure you are taking full responsibility for your own stuff, emotions and process in your life.

Go and do your inner work, journal, meditate, breathe, walk, pray or do whatever works for you to bring you back to clarity and back to your heart space.

Ask your angels, guides, the universe, God/Goddess, Source to help you to clear all unhealthy psychic chords and ties between you and this person.

Forgive and accept any part of yourself that has triggered this person’s pain and also remember to trust the process, maybe you have been used by their higher self and your higher self as an agent of healing for this person.

Shine love on it all. Do what helps you.

When and if they come through their foggy process and can see clearly again you may be able to communicate clearly with them but until that point arrives stay away, or you will only ignite the flames again.

 

I have had a situation before where I was stood with tears in my eyes in front of someone telling them I loved them dearly and all they could hear was the total opposite.

 

nowithout guilt

 

Sometimes no matter what, there are people who are so entrenched in the illusion of their process, story and pain that they will never see you clearly.

I have had a situation before where I was stood with tears in my eyes in front of someone telling them I loved them dearly and all they could hear was the total opposite.

We cannot break through that when the pain is so inflamed. People end up wearing what I call ‘foggy goggles’ or ear muffs, they can no longer see or hear you or their situation clearly. When this happens no matter what you do will not help and all you can do is walk away.

 

To sum it up in one sentence: Do not take another person’s process personally.

 

We sensitive, intuitive empaths only feel safe around people willing to take responsibility for their own feelings. When someone absolutely refuses to or simply cannot do this because they are so entrenched in their pain, all we can do is love them and leave them until they go through their shift.

To sum it up in one sentence: Do not take another person’s process personally.

Try not to let the new age distortions of how everything is a reflection or is something you created lead you into having floppy boundaries and giving energy to a situation you just need to walk away from.

 

AS AN EXTRA NOTE: We are approaching a full moon lunar eclipse and the sun is about to flip its polarity which it does every 11 years. Even if that means little to you, know this: You are a fleshy being of energy connected to everything in this universe. As a sensitive soul or an awakening woman you are more influenced by such things than most people and they DO play a role in how you feel every day. These influences are bringing up a lot of emotional baggage and deep pain for people right now.

 

Love yourself and look after YOU my friend.

You are not alone.

We are awakening together.

 

I LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU: Please if you have any thoughts or comments about this post do leave them below. Thank you.

Lots of love,

kim signature copy

 

 

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‘The Power of YES: Why you lose parts of yourself and how to get them back!’

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Hi Kimberley, Once again you have hit the bull’s eye. After a recent visit with my beloved sisters, I returned home in a terrible ratty mood for no good reason and was very ‘off’ with my Husband who had done nothing wrong, then I stopped and asked where has all this come from and realised it was not my stuff and was able to just conciously drop it. It can be confusing though cos I thought I had been triggered and I needed to look at myself as usual but hey surprise surprise, IT WASN’T ME, I DIDN’T DO IT, IT WAS HER. ha ha ha. Thanks so much Kimberley you have an uncanny knack of being able to catch me when I start to fall. Love You. Esther x

    • Kimberley Jones says:

      Hi Esther,
      That’s wonderful to hear. Well done you. Yes for sensitives and empaths I teach the ‘Is this mine’ technique as step one in personal energy awareness. I love that you got there intuitively! Here’s one of my older videos all about it: http://youtu.be/QNBFtAApsKo
      Lots of love,
      Kimberley ♥

  2. Hi Kimberley,
    What a wonderful article, I am standing back from an intense challenging situation at the moment, this person has been through war and personal bereavement and it is such a reflection of difficult times for those whose souls have not been able to evolve yet, I am learning so much and your post has been wonderful.
    Love n Light
    Susan

    • Kimberley Jones says:

      Hi Susan,
      Thanks for stopping by. Well done for stepping back to look after yourself. I too had to step back for a while from someone who had seen war and many bereavements and trauma. Our relationship has ultimately transformed for the better. I wish you well.
      Lots of love,
      Kimberley ♥

  3. Hi Kimberley,

    Thanks SO much for your brilliant post. This is awesome! You’ve hit the nail on the head.
    I’ve been right in this all week, deeply entrenched in it. This is so what I needed to hear right now.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will keep this article and re-read it to make sure it sinks in and sticks!
    Big hugs,
    Evie

    • Kimberley Jones says:

      Hi Evie,
      Lovely to hear from you! Wow it sounds like this came at the perfect time for you. I’m so glad. When I hear that and the other wonderful comments left here it shows me that my collective timing and intuitive sensors are working well for me and for that I am humbled and so grateful :-)
      I’m happy to hear you will come back and re-read this blog again and again. That’s such a good idea!
      Lots of love,
      Kimberley ♥

  4. Wow your article really hit home for me. And your last comment to Mary “so to function here in this world we need to learn new skills of boundaries and defining our individuality within the wholeness. Such is the dance. Such is the challenge”. How true that statement is for me! Finding the boundaries, finding the skills to interact with all and yet define and keep my own individuality. To learn that I am as good as anyone else. To learn that the unkind words that people say aren’t necessarily from what I have said or done.

    Its a challenge. But one I’m up for!
    Your words are inspiring. Thank you Kimberley.

    • Kimberley Jones says:

      Hi Irene,
      Aw thanks for your comment. It made me tingle. You inspired me with your sharing! Yes we are not inside other people’s feelings. We may trigger them but we are not part of them or the true cause. Untangling ourselves is such a healthy thing.
      So glad you are up for the challenge. It’s well worth it!
      Lots of love,
      Kimberley ♥

  5. Hi Kimbereley,
    I am so going through this right now with a person I work with. She is a person who constantly plays the victim and targets anyone. I have to keep telling myself its not me its her and her hang ups. Thank you so much for this post. Sometimes I can feel alone with not only this but other stuff I’m going through. Your posts confirm so much for me in a positive way. I am learning to walk away from many things in my life and more importantly not feel guilty about it. xx

    • Kimberley Jones says:

      Hi Jennifer,
      Thanks for your comment. I am so happy to hear that this blog post has helped you in your own personal situation. Good for you for reminding yourself that it’s her stuff. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Walking away and not feeling guilty, well done! That’s big!
      Lots of love,
      Kimberley ♥

  6. Love this post Kimberley! It is so true for me and my daughter too, in so many ways. Refreshing to hear its “okay” to “walk away”!!! Most of us have to “self talk” ourselves thru this–because the guilt can really eat away at you if you don’t. Thanks for your thoughts :-)

    • Kimberley Jones says:

      Hi Mary,
      Thanks for your comment. Gosh yes the guilt! So true! That’s where I find the cord clearing and the self-awareness really helps. Something common to awakening women, Lightworkers etc seems to be an exaggerated sense of responsibility for how others feel. Our journey appears to be the opposite of everyone else’s. They are all seeking the remembrance of ONENESS whereas we cannot help but feel interwoven with everyone and everything and so to function here in this world we need to learn new skills of boundaries and defining our individuality within the wholeness. Such is the dance. Such is the challenge.
      Much love to you and your daughter.
      Kimberley ♥

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